Separation Anxiety (for Parents) (2024)

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  • Tearful, tantrum-filled goodbyes are common during a child's earliest years. Around the first birthday, many kids develop separation anxiety, getting upset when a parent, grandparent, or other primary caregiver tries to leave them with someone else.

    Though separation anxiety is a perfectly normal part of childhood development, it can be unsettling.

    Understanding what your child is going through and having a few ways to cope ready can help both of you get through it.

    About Separation Anxiety

    Babies adapt pretty well to other caregivers. Parents probably feel more anxiety about being separated than infants do! As long as their needs are being met, most babies younger than 6 months adjust easily to other people.

    Between 4–7 months of age, babies develop a sense of "object permanence."They're realizing that things and people exist even when they're out of sight. Babies learn that when they can't see their caregiver, that means they've gone away. They don't understand the concept of time, so they don't know that this person will come back, and can become upset by their absence. For example, whether the caregiver is in the kitchen, in the next bedroom, or at the office, it's all the same to the baby, who might cry until mom is nearby again.

    Kids between 8 months and 1 year old are growing into more independent toddlers, yet are even more uncertain about being separated from a parent. This is when separation anxiety develops, and children may become agitated and upset when a parent tries to leave.

    Whether you need to go into the next room for just a few seconds, leave your child with a sitter for the evening, or drop off your child at daycare, your child might now react by crying, clinging to you, and resisting attention from others.

    The timing of separation anxiety can vary. Some kids might go through it later, between 18 months and 2½ years of age. Some never experience it. And for others, certain life stresses can trigger feelings of anxiety about being separated from a parent: a new childcare situation or caregiver, a new sibling, moving to a new place, or tension at home.

    How Long Does It Last?

    How long separation anxiety lasts can vary, depending on the child and how family memebers respond. In some cases, depending on a child's temperament, separation anxiety can last from infancy through the elementary school years.

    Separation anxiety that affects an older child's normal activities can be a sign of a deeper anxiety disorder. If separation anxiety appears out of the blue in an older child, there might be another problem, like bullying or abuse.

    Separation anxiety is different from the normal feelings older kids have when they don't want a parent to leave (which can usually be overcome if a child is distracted enough).And older kids do understand that their behavior can affect parents. If you run back into the room every time your child cries or cancel your plans, your child will continue to use this tactic to avoid separation.

    What You Might Feel

    Separation anxiety might have you feeling a variety of emotions. It can be nice to feel that your child is finally as attached to you as you are to them. But you're also likely to feel guilty about taking time out for yourself, leaving your child with another caregiver, or going to work. And you may start to feel overwhelmed by the amount of attention your child seems to need from you.

    Keep in mind that your little one's unwillingness to leave you is a good sign that healthy attachments have developed between the two of you. Eventually, your child will be able to remember that you always return after you leave, and that will be comfort enoughwhile you're gone. This also gives kids a chance to develop coping skills and a little independence.

    Making Goodbyes Easier

    These tips can help ease kids and parents through this difficult period:

    • Timing matters. Try not to start daycare or childcare with an unfamiliar person when your child is between the ages of 8 months and 1 year, when separation anxiety is first likely to appear. Also, try not to leave when your child is tired, hungry, or restless. If at all possible, schedule your departures for after naps and mealtimes.
    • Practice. Practice being apart from each other, and introduce new people and places slowly. If you plan to leave your child with a relative or a new babysitter, invite that person over in advance so they can spend time together while you're in the room. If your child is starting at a new daycare center or preschool, make a few visits there together before a full-time schedule begins. Practice leaving your child with a caregiver for short periods so that they can get used to being away from you.
    • Be calm and consistent. Create an exit ritual during which you say a pleasant, loving, and firm goodbye. Stay calm and show confidence in your child. Reassure them that you'll be back — and explain when you'll return using concepts kids will understand (such as after lunch). Give your full attention when you say goodbye, and when you say you're leaving, mean it; coming back will only make things worse.
    • Follow through on promises. It's important to make sure that you return when you have promised to. This is critical — this is how your child will develop the confidence that they can make it through the time apart.

    As hard as it may be to leave a child who's screaming and crying for you, it's important to have confidence that the caregiver can handle it. By the time you get to your car, your child is likely to have calmed down and be playing with other things.

    If you're caring for another person's child who's having separation anxiety, try to distract the child with an activity or toy, or with songs, games, or anything else that's fun. You may have to keep trying until something just clicks with the child.

    Also, try to distract the child from thinking about missing their family, but do answer the child's questions in a simple and straightforward way to reassure them. You might say: "Your parents are going to be back as soon as they're done dinner. It’s OK to miss them, but let's play with some toys!"

    It's Only Temporary

    Remember, this phase will pass. If your child has never been cared for by anyone but you, is naturally shy, or has other stresses, separation anxiety may be worse than it is for other kids.

    Also, trust your instincts. If your child refuses to go to a certain babysitter or daycare center or shows other signs of tensions, such as trouble sleeping or loss of appetite, there could be a problem with the childcare situation.

    If intense separation anxiety lasts into preschool, elementary school, or beyond and interferes with daily activities, discuss it with your doctor. It could be a sign of a more significant concern known as separation anxiety disorder. Kids with this disorder fear being apart from their family members and are often convinced that something bad will happen. Talk with your doctor if your child has signs of this, including:

    • panic symptoms (such as nausea, vomiting, or shortness of breath) or panic attacks before a parent leaves
    • nightmares about separation
    • fear of sleeping alone (although this is also common in kids who don't have separation anxiety)
    • excessive worry about being lost or kidnapped or going places without a parent

    For most kids, the anxiety of being apart from a parent or primary caregiver passes without any need for medical attention. But if you have concerns, talk to your doctor.

    Separation Anxiety (for Parents) (2024)

    FAQs

    How can parents help with separation anxiety? ›

    Practice leaving your child with a caregiver for short periods so that they can get used to being away from you. Be calm and consistent. Create an exit ritual during which you say a pleasant, loving, and firm goodbye. Stay calm and show confidence in your child.

    Is separation anxiety normal for parents? ›

    “Parents, however, also struggle with strong and sometimes overwhelming feelings in relation to the potential and real absence of their children or loved ones. “Parental separation anxiety can develop during pregnancy, postnatal or at any point during their offspring's childhood,” says Vivien.

    At what age does separation anxiety typically peak? ›

    Also, they have not yet developed the concept of object permanence?that a hidden object is still there, it just cannot be seen. Without these concepts, babies can become anxious and fearful when a parent leaves their sight. Separation anxiety is usually at its peak between 10 and 18 months.

    Is it normal for a 12 year old to have separation anxiety? ›

    If your tween child is struggling to leave home and do things away from the family, she's not alone. The older kids get, the less common Separation Anxiety Disorder seems to be. About 3.9% of young teenagers (12-14) are dealing with separation anxiety symptoms.

    How to fix separation anxiety? ›

    How to ease “normal” separation anxiety
    1. Practice separation. ...
    2. Schedule separations after naps or feedings. ...
    3. Develop a quick “goodbye” ritual. ...
    4. Leave without fanfare. ...
    5. Follow through on promises. ...
    6. Keep familiar surroundings when possible and make new surroundings familiar. ...
    7. Have a consistent primary caregiver.
    Feb 5, 2024

    What age does anxiety peak? ›

    There's no specific age at which anxiety disorders “peak” in terms of severity. However, most people with anxiety disorders notice symptoms and are diagnosed in their 20s or 30s. If you're worried that you might have an anxiety disorder, it's important to talk to a mental health provider about your symptoms.

    What is depleted mother syndrome? ›

    Mom burnout sometimes called depleted mother syndrome, is the feeling of mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion, depersonalization, and lack of fulfillment caused by intense child care demands. Burnout is the result of too much stress and a lack of resources for coping with it.

    What age is separation anxiety worse? ›

    Separation anxiety is usually at its peak between 10 and 18 months. It typically ends by the time a child is 3 years old.

    Can kids grow out of separation anxiety? ›

    Young children often have a period where they get anxious or distressed when they have to separate from their parent or main caregivers. Examples of this can be tears at daycare drop-off or getting fussy when a new person holds them. This usually starts to improve by about 2 to 3 years of age.

    At what age does our separation anxiety seem to peak Why? ›

    Separation anxiety can happen anytime from 4 months to 4 years or older. We often see the biggest surges between 8-10 months, 14-18 months, and again around 3 years old. Why does separation anxiety happen? You are your child's main source of comfort and security.

    Which child is more prone to separation anxiety? ›

    Which children are at risk for separation anxiety disorder? SAD happens equally in males and females. But children who have parents with an anxiety disorder are more likely to have SAD.

    What are 5 symptoms of separation anxiety? ›

    What is separation anxiety disorder?
    • difficulty being away from parents or other loved ones.
    • excessive worry about harm to loved ones.
    • excessive worry about danger to self.
    • difficulty leaving the house, even to go to school.
    • difficulty sleeping.
    • feeling physically ill when away from loved ones.

    Does co-sleeping cause separation anxiety? ›

    (In the case of the last criteria, a child that cannot separate may struggle from separation anxiety. Cosleeping doesn't cause separation anxiety, but if your child cannot be without you at night without having a breakdown, I think you should work towards some independence at bedtime).

    How to deal with separation anxiety in tweens? ›

    There is no single coping mechanism that works for everyone with separation anxiety. However, it may help if parents or caregivers of teens with separation anxiety try acknowledging and validating the teen's fears, establishing consistent routines, and providing additional nurturing.

    How to treat separation anxiety in a 10 year old? ›

    Help your child build up a tolerance to being away from you. For instance, go to a play date together and sit in another room. The next time, go to the play date and leave for a short period of time. Then leave for longer stretches until your child becomes comfortable, even when you're not there.

    What is the role of parents in treating separation anxiety disorder? ›

    Recognize situations that may stress your child. Knowing what stresses your child and planning ahead can help you prepare your child so they are successful. Tell others about your child's SAD. Work with your child's healthcare provider and school to create a treatment plan.

    How can you help someone with separation anxiety disorder? ›

    Some helpful tips typically included in a separation anxiety plan are:
    1. Calm breathing exercises.
    2. Muscle-relaxation techniques.
    3. Engage in positive thinking.
    4. Cognitive coping cards.
    5. Seek reassurance from a loved one.
    May 26, 2022

    How to deal with separation anxiety in adults from parents? ›

    Five Ways to Deal with Separation Anxiety in Adults
    1. Identify the Triggers. The first step in dealing with separation anxiety is to recognise it. ...
    2. Challenge Negative Thoughts. ...
    3. Recognise That Anxiety Is Temporary. ...
    4. Keep Yourself Busy. ...
    5. Join a Support Group.
    Mar 7, 2022

    How can parents support children with anxiety? ›

    Have a look through these suggestions and pick one or two things you think might help.
    • In a calm moment, talk about their anxiety. Ask them what it feels like in their mind and body. ...
    • Think together about activities that help. ...
    • Try mindful activities that help us to relax.

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